“I remembered the days of old; I mediated on all Thy works” (Ps. 142:5)
For the last few months I have been making audio recordings of my book The Scent of Holiness: Lessons from a Women’s Monastery as Ancient Faith Publishing will be releasing an audio version of the book in the near future.
I haven’t read The Scent of Holiness for years. It was published in 2012 and although I was very happy to have shared my experiences, it was also strange to see them displayed in typeset, in a bound book that wasn’t filled with my own cursive writing. Having written in a personal journal for over twenty years it’s a surreal experience to have those thoughts and feelings usually reserved for myself distributed for all to see. So, I was a little embarrassed when I would read The Scent of Holiness. Now, re-reading those words, reading them aloud, and being confronted with vivid memories of it all I’m so, so, so thankful I took the time to write it all down in detail.
I have always prided myself on having a good memory. However, between working as a social worker and helping my husband serve the Mission my mind and memory have little room left for “the days of old” it seems. Reading The Scent of Holiness again I’m re-immersed in a world that usually feels very far away, almost like a vivid dream you suddenly remember out of nowhere.
I used to think of the spiritual life as an ascent, where we go from darkness and slowly move into the light. But even my own experience contradicts this. I once lived in a land full of light, interacted with living saints and living monuments of our historical Church. Then I moved to Newfoundland and it was like coming to a land of perpetual twilight. I moved from Thessaloniki to an island that first encountered Orthodoxy over one thousand years ago but remained un-Christianized for centuries.
And so, when I read about my experiences with the nuns I have a hard time seeing the continuity between then and now. But, the more I read the more I gain clarity about a few things: 1.) The positive experiences we have are never just for our own benefit. We simply need to figure out our own unique way of sharing them in a variety of contexts, and; 2.) The spiritual struggle is real, man. It’s as simple as that. We have periods of grace where we can (and should) do a lot more, and periods of dry spells where we need to cling to “the days of old” so we don’t give up altogether.
The sisters gave me a lifetime worth of blessings. I don’t think that’s an exaggeration. Even after five years of living away from them, their love and lessons, the memory of their laughter and simplicity still fill my heart to the brink with gratitude. And I am left with the words of St. Paul, challenging me to become more like them: “Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are worthy of respect, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is any praise, be considering these things. And what ye learned and received and heard and saw in me, these things be practicing; and the God of peace shall be with you” (Philippians 4:8-9).
P.S. As soon as The Scent of Holiness is available as an audio book I’ll be sure to let you know!
matushka constantina
Thank you for sharing some photos from back then. I’ve read both your books and it’s lovely to have some visual input as well with these photos….and thank you for journaling all the details and being willing to let them become public/published! They’ve been a blessing.
while I have never been to Greece or anything close to what you were given, I had a lot of powerful experiences in Ottawa and it was really a hard adjustment to my new life in NJ. When I was in NJ maybe half a year or so, and it was Lent and I was missing the way my old church was (the choir, the people, the feeling and experience), I told my then new to me confessor (a wonderful priest of over 50 years experience) that I was missing my church in Ottawa and he gently said that St Mary of Egypt missed her old life when she lived in the desert. At first I could not believe that my life in Ottawa (I was missing the spiritual life, the friends, all things that were good…! how could this be likened to St Mary’s longings for her old life, esp as we know it was a life of sin!?!) but you know… he was right. God had moved me for a reason. Even if it meant that how I used to pray, I could barely remember and that it was like a lot of me had to start over and find new ‘sea legs’ and make a new life entirely for myself (and I still feel that I am doing so, still figuring it out, I did not know that I would ever feel like my life had so much to figure out!) I see that God in His wisdom lead me to this new place and that I had to make a new life and let go of what I had before. Not that I don’t miss Ottawa and I don’t have the day to day friendship and community that I had in Ottawa though I do have supports that I did not see when I was new. I often feel lonely, one of the biggest things for me that is hard is just not having day to day life (other than my husband) who I can talk to about things that matter. Most people here are just not on the same page at all. I know for you, it seems, even harder. You have been placed where your church is the one Orthodox church in your area. This is a real Cross! I guess big blessings can lead to crosses. It’s not easy and I guess one of the things I feel I have lost is any clear direction on many things. I find that God helps me a lot through reading and a lot of guidance now has to come through prayer and reading. It’s not easy but I trust that God in His wisdom has placed us both where He wants. Sending a hug your way! We moved to our new lives about the same time (for me Sept 2012) and it is not easy to make a new life when leaving so much behind.
Wonderful article. Thank you again for writing and sharing.
Beautiful reflection,Connie. We must look compassionately on our youth. We are so blessed to have the opportunity to grow mentally and spiritually. …keep writing and publishing…you are so good at it….love your Aunt Myra
Sara, thanks for your comment. You can see more photos of my travels in the book trailers here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VX4QdEOhH3w and here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxWImq8r38Q
Elizabeth, I found your spiritual father’s statement about St. Mary of Egypt really, quite helpful. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Auntie Myra!
Melissa, thank you for reading!
Mat. C: you are welcome ❤